The man I used to be courting stealthed me – He raped me once more after I confronted him

When I matched with Tom* – a tall, good-looking and humorous man – by way of a courting app, he instantly started to put on the appeal.

Unlike so many different matches, he wasn’t crude or distasteful. He appeared genuinely all in favour of who I used to be and what I thought of life.

He was obtainable and messaged all through the evening and day; remembering issues I mentioned, placing effort into leaning issues about me and going out of his method to make me chortle.

I had simply come out of a relationship that ended instantly and brutally so my vanity and confidence was decrease than regular. I confided in a pal that issues appeared too good to be true, however organized to satisfy him anyway.

Tom ticked all of the packing containers in particular person too. He mentioned and did all the best issues, and shortly talked me round from my stance of not letting strangers know the place I stay. I began pondering that possibly there was truly one thing on this.

Per week or so later, after a few dates out in public, I had Tom and a few associates round at my place and we drank so much. The evening obtained late and everybody left however Tom. We fooled round a bit on the sofa and with none dialogue, made the transfer to the bed room, shedding garments as we went.

I grabbed a condom out of my drawer and gave it to him, saying ‘this is for later’. 

As issues heated up and I dissolved right into a blissful, alcohol-tinged haze, it by no means occurred to me to double test that he had used the condom till he completed and I felt one thing sticky seeping down my leg.

‘What’s that?’ I requested. He assured me that I had simply been extraordinarily excited and that was the byproduct. Because I used to be pretty inebriated, I didn’t wish to wreck the primary time collectively by arguing about one thing I couldn’t show, so I let it go and fell asleep wrapped up in a giant hug. 

Stealthing – or non-consensual condom removing – is taken into account an act punishable by legislation within the UK, nevertheless, there’s solely been one profitable prosecution.

I knew what stealthing was, nevertheless it didn’t actually happen to me in that second that it had occurred to me. Tom had spent a lot time constructing a specific picture of himself up that it appeared inconceivable that he would do one thing so disrespectful.

The second time Tom and I slept collectively, one thing related occurred. I’d pulled a condom out of my drawer at the start and given it to him however couldn’t see the place it went afterwards.

I requested the place he’d put the used condom and he tried to inform me he’d dropped it on the ground and it had ‘vanished’.

I seemed round for it as a result of leaving a used condom on the ground is fairly gross, however didn’t discover it. I bear in mind asking questions and getting advised I used to be taking issues too critically and that I ought to ‘lighten up’.

I knew what stealthing was, nevertheless it didn’t actually happen to me in that second that it had occurred to me

The third time, I put the condom on him myself, solely to search out it on the mattress later having clearly been taken off earlier than he climaxed.

This time, I confronted him and he advised me I used to be loopy and had points. When I urged that not utilizing a condom with out my consent was rape, Tom laughed at me. Not only a slight scoff, however a protracted, mirthful chortle.

Again he advised me I used to be taking issues too critically and that I ought to ‘loosen up’. He went to try to put his arms round me and obtained offended after I wriggled away.

Still hurting from my current breakup, I put up much less of a combat than I normally would. All I needed was to be cared for and taken care of and preventing about this was jeopardising that fragile stability.

I’d skilled sexual assault after I was an adolescent and in my head I equated it with violence and ache; it hadn’t occurred to me that somebody who acted variety and loving may truly violate me much more completely.

The last time we had intercourse, I handed Tom the condom and he seemed me within the eye and mentioned ‘you know I’m not going to make use of this’ and threw it throughout the room. He then proceeded to push me down and have intercourse with me whereas I protested. Eventually I simply went fully nonetheless and laid there.

When he completed I obtained up and obtained dressed and requested him to depart. Again, he advised me I used to be overreacting and taking issues too critically. When he left I bear in mind sitting with my again in opposition to the entrance door, crying my eyes out.

Years later, I nonetheless really feel like I’m guilty for a way that relationship performed out. That’s a typical expertise of survivors of sexual violence. In earlier relationships I’d been accused of being too critical and never having a way of humour after I objected to poor behaviour. 

Now I do know that it’s a management tactic that manipulative individuals use to deflect consideration away from their poor behaviour reasonably than taking duty, however on the time I felt the sting of the accusations and went silent.

No one desires to be accused of being the one who ruins a relationship as a result of they complain an excessive amount of. Trusting your judgement might be troublesome when somebody is standing in entrance of you telling you that you simply’re overreacting.

No matter what we did or how innocent we actually are, many people carry across the perception that if we had simply carried out one thing in a different way or been a special particular person, it wouldn’t have occurred to us. 

Shortly after the final time I noticed Tom, I used to be contacted by a younger lady who claimed she was his girlfriend and that she was closely pregnant together with his youngster. She had gone by his cellphone and located the messages between us and needed me to remain the hell away from him.

I assured her that I needed nothing to do with him ever once more. When I advised her what he’d carried out to me she advised me I used to be too ugly and fats for him to trouble with and that I used to be dreaming that he would ever have been all in favour of me.

I typically surprise if he did the identical factor to her that he did to me and if she ever felt as trapped and helpless about her life decisions as I had.

The aftermath of that ill-advised relationship nonetheless follows me at the moment. Even after years of remedy and dealing on myself, I can say that I’m nonetheless not completely over it. Even penning this piece has introduced again dangerous goals and uncomfortable emotions.

I like intercourse, in idea. I’d like to be in a relationship, in idea. But I appear to one way or the other by no means fairly get there and I’ve realised it’s as a result of I’ve misplaced religion that I’m a adequate choose of character to guard myself from one thing like that occuring to me once more.

We know that rape survivors hardly ever come ahead. Less than 2% of rapes reported to police end in a cost or summons, and a vanishingly small variety of perpetrators are held accountable. 

The legacy of those sorts of crimes stays with individuals for years. Every side of somebody’s life is put below a microscope after they come ahead. 

They’re usually accused of constructing it up for consideration or secretly wanting it. The strain to remain silent is overwhelming. For me the disconnect is apparent – nearly each lady I do know has skilled sexual assault in some type, but nobody appears to know a rapist. 

If we will’t maintain individuals accountable for these crimes then society won’t ever change.

*Tom is a pseudonym

Do you could have a narrative you’d wish to share? Get in contact by emailing

Share your views within the feedback under.

MORE : When I began forgetting issues, I by no means thought it might be dementia – I used to be solely 53

MORE : My ex-boyfriend threw acid throughout me

MORE : The largest sanitary towel is just not sufficient: What it’s like residing with extraordinarily heavy durations

Rush Hour Crush – love (nicely, lust) is throughout us

Visit Metro’s Rush Hour Crush on-line each weekday at 4:30pm.

Tell us about your Rush Hour Crush by submitting them right here, and you possibly can see your message revealed on the location.

In this thrilling new collection from, What It Feels Like… not solely shares one particular person’s shifting story, but in addition the small print and feelings entwined inside it, to permit readers a real perception into their life altering expertise.

Source hyperlink

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.