Can you be in love with two folks directly? Asking for a good friend

Just asking… (Picture:

Asking for a Friend is the sequence the place we reply the questions that you just’re too embarrassed to ask.

Generally talking, the thought of loving two folks on the similar time, within the romantic sense, is outlandish.

After all, it’s usually accepted you could’t love somebody new with out hurting the individual you liked first – that will certainly require emotional dishonest, in any case – and the way might you presumably do this to somebody you like? 

But time and time once more, folks discover themselves on this predicament, caught between two lovers, with real emotions for each of them. 

So, what provides? Does that imply you don’t actually love both of them? Or is it really doable to like multiple individual at a time?

What does psychology say?

The brief reply is sure, on a psychological stage, you possibly can love multiple individual at a time. 

Afterall, love is not more than a chemical response – a ‘neurochemical high’ – and people reactions aren’t certain by societal restraints or expectations. 

‘When we fall in love, certain chemicals, such as dopamine and oxytocin, get released that are associated with feelings of pleasure, warmth and excitement,’ explains Dr Elena Touroni, a guide psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic.

‘There is almost a chemical explosion; they produce that strong feeling of excitement and desire for another person, as well as (potentially) a desire for sexual intimacy too.’

What does society say?

According to Elena, it’s uncommon we’ll have the house to fall in love with one other individual if our wants are being utterly met. 

‘It tends to be when our needs are not being met that the psychological space is created for another romantic attachment to develop,’ she says.

But is it real looking to imagine you’ll get all of your wants from one individual? In a monogamous society, you’d count on the reply to be sure (though it’s wholesome to maneuver away from this perception), however the query of whether or not people are monogamous by nature or nurture is fully up for debate. 

Is monogamy a social assemble? (Picture: Getty Images)

For Dr Eli Sheff, a sociologist and considered one of a handful of worldwide educational specialists on polyamory, monogamy as we all know it’s a social assemble.

‘Monogamy used to mean being with literally one partner in your entire life,’ she tells

‘You have been married as a virgin, and in case your partner died earlier than you, you have been celibate the remainder of your life, particularly in the event you have been a girl.

‘That’s not what folks imply by monogamy anymore – now, it means being with one individual at a time… partially as a result of our lifespans are a lot longer.’

Our definition of monogamy has shifted in step with our altering society, which means it’s extra more likely to be a social assemble than an inherent human high quality – and for polyamorous folks, it’s actually doable to like multiple individual at a time.

What does loving two folks directly entail?

‘I think of it like an extension cord, but rather than electricity, the sockets provide love,’ says Eli. 

‘Some people have one plug and they’re at full capability, some folks have two or three and after they’re all stuffed up on the similar time, they’re utterly saturated, and others have a limiteless quantity of plug sockets.’

For these in non-monogamous relationships, she provides, loving a number of folks is much like how mother and father love their kids.

‘You can love your child, have one other child and nonetheless love the primary child. 

‘Maybe you love those kids differently – one of them is super cuddly and needy, and the other is really independent and just wants the keys to your car – and you have a different relationship with both, but you don’t love both any much less.’

This is one thing Poppy, who’s at present in a non-monogamous relationship, echoes. 

‘I don’t assume you possibly can quantify how a lot you like somebody or how you like them,’ she says. 

‘Just the identical as in the event you have been pursuing monogamous relationships one after the opposite, the best way you are feeling goes to be totally different with every individual. 

‘It’s not a case of loving roughly however loving uniquely.’

Loving multiple accomplice is much like loving multiple youngster (Picture: Getty Images)

This brings us again to Elena’s remark about wants: for many individuals in polyamorous relationships, with the ability to get various things from totally different companions is without doubt one of the advantages.

Elise*, 25, was in an open relationship when she was youthful – aside from the caveat that solely considered one of her companions knew in regards to the different. 

‘I loved them both for very different reasons,’ she tells

‘They each brought out a different side of me, but I knew I didn’t love them both sufficient to only be with considered one of them.’

And, on the query of whether or not you possibly can actually love somebody in the event you’re keen to harm them, Eli says, hurting the folks we love is a ‘well worn human tradition’. 

The verdict: Can you be in love with two folks directly?

While it’s clearly doable, loving two folks directly remains to be fairly taboo – and it’s extra essential to consider the way you act on these emotions. 

Cheating, emotionally or bodily, is one factor, and trying to embark on a consensually open relationship is one other. 

As Elise says: ‘One thing I wish I did differently was actively choose partners that are interested in non-monogamy, because there is less chance of causing emotional discomfort.’

Do you will have a narrative to share?

Get in contact by emailing

MORE : How I Do It: ‘I’m not all for monogamy – right here’s per week in my intercourse life’

MORE : Married lady provides up monogamy for four-person polycule relationship

MORE : ‘I didn’t know what love ought to appear to be’: Why one in 4 youngsters are experiencing accomplice abuse

Source hyperlink

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.